Wednesday, December 1, 2021

“He’s Making The Call To The Arm Barn” – Please Just Stop With This Nonsense

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Did you know that there are 50 square miles in Yellowstone National Park between the Idaho and Montana borders where there’s a legal loophole that if you hypothetically offed someone, you’d get away with it? 



Seriously. There are a few books on it and everything. They even brought it up to both state legislators, and as the ghouls in suits do, they did nothing. So, the loophole remains. That’s an interesting little conversation tidbit you can drop like a population-nuking bomb on a boring-ass conversation. You know exactly the conversation I’m talking about, too. The ones where you stand around making small talk with people you don’t like, in some back yard or kitchen you don’t want to be in, all while your spouse is chatting away having a great time. And there you are, clutching a can of Miller Lite, wishing to Jehovah that you were anywhere else, except there you are, standing next to the cheese board, complete with sweaty pepperoni slices. What’s worse? The person you’re talking to won’t shut up about their kid’s recent minor scholastic or athletic achievements because their lives are void of any real meaning, while you swirl the notion of dropping the murder loophole fact on them in hopes to make shit interesting. 

Admit it. You wholeheartedly do not give a shit about their kids. (Don’t lie. You don’t care about anyone’s kids but your own. The only acceptable answer otherwise is nieces and nephews. Everyone else? Forget it.) See, this is compelling. This gets the blood pumping. Do you know what’s not? PETA is making dumb proclamations once again. 

Look, we get it. No one wears fur. Veggie burgers aren’t so bad. Sane people will agree putting makeup on rabbits is wrong. We’re all on board with saving the whales. Most sensible people agree that big game hunting is for dudes with small pee-pees. But despite slowly winning the culture war, PETA somehow decides to drop a press release, wanting the MLB to change the name of the bullpen to “the arm barn.”

“Words matter and baseball ‘bullpens’ devalue talented players and mock the misery of sensitive animals,” PETA executive vice president Tracy Reima said in a press release. “PETA encourages Major League Baseball coaches, announcers, players and fans to ‘changeup’ their language and embrace the ‘arm barn’ instead.”

Just for clarity, a “bullpen” has two other meanings outside of baseball: a holding area where a bull goes for slaughter or where they keep bulls just before they buck some dude off their ass in a rodeo. PETA is not on board with either of these use cases and thinks it poisons the young minds of baseball fans everywhere. Last I checked, most kids want to see their heroes mash dingers over the wall and see superhumans throw 100+ mph fastballs straight down Main Street, making batters look dumb. 

Can we all agree that this is just exhausting? We’re trying to navigate a weird and broken world. Social statements already permeate sports, and we’re navigating those with as much grace as possible. So, can we just not by adding to PETA’s conversation by writing more dumb think pieces by dumb writers (like this one), which gives credence to an idea that makes readers groan?  

People need to get out and walk. Maybe sit by some water, pop open a drink, and listen to nature. Bake cookies, read a book, put the moves on your partner, or drop facts about a murder zone in Montana. All of these options are infinitely less annoying and stupid than making the call to the “arm barn.”



Robert Dean
Robert Dean is a working class writer, raconteur, and enlightened dumbass. His work has been featured in MIC, Forbes, Fatherly, Consequence of Sound, and the Austin American-Statesman, to name a few. He's also Editor in Chief for Big Laugh Comedy. He has two books dropping in 2021. Stalk him on social media.

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