Sunday, August 14, 2022

The Bryzzo Souvenir Co. Staff Directory Is Absolutely Hilarious

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I was having a conversation with a White Sox friend of mine earlier today and we were laughing at the concept behind the Bryzzo commercials when he brought up a great point.



“It must be nice to have marketable players that people love.”

I kind of thought about it and it struck me — he was absolutely correct.

Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo have turned into the face of the Chicago Cubs in a very short amount of time. Both are very level-headed, humble dudes which is a great change of pace from the prototypical professional athlete assholes that Cubs fans are used to seeing.

Carlos Zambrano, Sammy Sosa, Ryan Theriot, Milton Bradley, Todd Hundley, Antonio Alfonseca, and motherfuckin’ LaTroy Hawkins just to name a few. (Don’t ask my why I hate Ryan Theriot, I just do OK?)

Bryant and Rizzo’s marketability has been rewarded the past two years by allowing them to perform their own television commercials run by the MLB. Most of you reading this are probably Cubs fans so I’m assuming you know exactly what the Bryzzo commercials are, however, in the event that you haven’t been on social media for ohhhhh, the past two years or so, allow me to catch you up to speed.

At the beginning of the 2015 season, MLB gave Bryant and Rizzo their own commercial where the pair starred as co-owners of “Bryzzo Souvenir Company,” a company created to give fans souvenir baseballs by hitting home runs.

And every company needs a slogan right? I’d challenge you to find a company with a better slogan than, “We put the ding in dingers.”

Here’s the first Bryzzo commercial that ran in early 2015.

The commercial was such a huge success that the people at MLB decided to give the duo a sequel to their 2015 commercial. It also probably helped that the pair had just led the Cubs to their first World Series title in over a century as well but that’s neither here nor there.

Earlier today, we covered the new release of the “Bryzzo 2.0” commercial and much like the first one, it’s simply amazing.

Obviously the catch of 2.0 is the fact that the company is “expanding” due to the increase of home runs hit by Bryzzo so with expansion comes new employees. These new employees just happen to be members of the Chicago Cubs who have been given some very interesting roles within the Bryzzo Souvenir Company.

Here’s a full look at the staff directory complete with titles.

Kyle Hendricks being the accountant makes me laugh every single time I think about it.

And can you imagine John Lackey being in charge of HR? There’s no chance you get out of his office without being yelled at for something.

I would have thought Ben Zobrist would have made the list as a “delivery man” for his role in delivering the clutch hit in Game 7 of the World Series but apparently he’s still trying to get hired.

This team is having fun already and the season hasn’t even started yet. It should be a good 2017 for Cubs fans.

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